I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
