I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
