life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
