I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My vagina just clenched in fear
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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