You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
