I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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