you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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