Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You had me at "let me see your balls"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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