I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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