How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
