i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
