Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
