she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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