Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
