i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
