I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
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I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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