I can text with my tongue
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
