She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
