By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
