don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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