I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
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my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
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I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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