He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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