can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
