I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
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