woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
