winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
