dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
