ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
