I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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