I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
