it's like iHOP with fire
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dick very happy bro
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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