do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
