your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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