I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
