The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
