Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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