my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
