There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
