everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
