He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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