All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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