Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
