Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
