so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize