I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
