just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
