so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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