false alarm. still invincible.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
