Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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