Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
