So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
