I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
