You're my little dorito
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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