I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
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