even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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