if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
