im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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