I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
